hello there! so everything is going slow lately! i mean i wake up and then drop dad and then come back sleep wake up play fifa and the evening mein i study then at night i again play something then sleep and then repeat. easy? nah i get so much time to spare that i use my brain and when use it i dont use it in normal quantity i just use it abundance!

she texted me! samnese! my heart went 80bpm to 180 bpm. i was pounding and my hands starting shaking and but had to keep my cool. so i texted her hey and then next thing i asked her was about some restaurants as she goes here and there with her girlfriends and then she slept! i mean i dont mind her sleeping i was happy by the fact that she called me and then she sleeping when i asked her “aur bata kya chal rha hai?” when i had like ample of topics to talk on but had to set the rhythm but couldnt so its fine but what happens next makes me wanna punch the guy who is writing my story or life or whatever the fuck!

so at midnight i texted my best friend that should i call her i know she she left like 2 days ago but man i cant wait to talk to her and few mins later after texting this to my friend she dm me saying i called you and it was at 947. i checked my logs the next sec and saw at 947 exact i called one of my friend who didnt pick up tho but yeah i called. at it got clashed and i couldnt see her call or it didnt got registered at in my logs and i couldnt see it! i mean what the fuck dude i mean what are the fucking odds of this happening to me in this whole fucking planet man!!! i dont even know whats going on in her head in her life i feel so disconnected to her which is making me so uncomfortable!

today i in the afternoon i was getting bored because my studies so and i was just missing her so i thought of looking at our pictures.. again.. and then i went to whats app and thought of reading our chats.. again.. the whole 3 month period chats!

i read the jazz ball night chats and every around that day and boy oh boy.. we were the cutest couple one can ever witness. it was full of cheesiness love care romance flirting fighting and next second asking to meet calling each other just hear each others voice i mean boy my eyes were moist when i was reading i was damn THIS IS US!

i dont know if anything like this is going to happen with me again with her but i have so many thing to reply to when she indirectly said to me but my dumb lil brain couldnt figure it out that time.

i am so much in love with this girl and would do anything to keep her happy and protect her from my shitz especially but yeah i know that if this i have her i wont let me or anything come in between us because i told her.. once everything with her is set.. then that is it for me. i cant see myself with another person and i dont want to because i have seen us together and i wont like change any bit of that picture especially the girl smiling next to me.

absolutely devastated. hit the rock bottom of my life and dont know whats next. never in my life i have been so lost in my life. dont know where to go what to do im so lonely i cant even type properly i mean so many mistakes i did in just these three lines. who cares no ones gonna read even i dont proof read my blogs.

so as in last post i was gonna meet her right and since morning i was anticipating this meeting all day i was thinking about was that thing which i was gonna get from her i was just waiting for that moment to happen. i went through number of scenarios on how our conversation would go but that hug? that hug was the only thing i was looking for all day. did all my work by later afternoon just so that i could meet her and see her beautiful face.

but the scriptwriter of my life wants to see me suffer. my scooty broke down in midway at midnight. i made a excuse to my parents that ill be in the building but i sneaked out just so that i could meet her because she was leaving the next day and i dont know when ill be able to see her next. when my scooty broke down the first thought that into my was damn no no no no i want to meet her no she is leaving no please and then i strikes me that damn what if my parents come to know about this and then i had to cancel that meeting with. it was excruciating that cant meet her now and my nightmare turned into reality of not seeing her before she leaves.

we didnt meet i asked her to meet in the morning but couldnt maybe she got caught up with some work else why would she meet me.. or.. idk maybe she was busy yes she was busy.. anyways she claims that everything is fine from my side there is nothing wrong with me or around me! this is the lowest i have been in my life i am thinking of things or doing thing which i never thought i would do to myself. she doent trust me she doesnt feel a thing for me for as a friend as anything and said things which is revolving around my head and making me more anxious and weak and i dont know what to do im getting weaker and weaker and make me wanna do thing that i dont want to but i want break thing self harm cry my eyes out and just want end thing by anyways possible

she reached and she send a video of her new room and all and i looked at her and.. my heart melted i wanted to cry just because she is not with me she is currently my no one and its just plain painful type it imagine me living with it!anyways she thinks i am using this to give her guilt trip and its typical of me! she doesnt even know 1% of what i am going through and she says i am using it to give her freaking guilt trip or shit like that? lol

i only told this blog thing to only one of my friend and idk if she will tell it or not. she said the state im in she said she doesnt understand depth of the situation and she doesnt deserve me at the moment and i dont know what to make out of it.

anyways ill keep loving her with all my and there wont be any second thought when ill have to confess my feelings again because boy oh boy there is no in this world who would love her the way i love her. period.

THE BESTTT DAYY EVVEERRR!!!!

okay so hi, i mean to whom? why do i do this? anyway my evening was soooo great i mean it was berserk!! i was in my class and they tell us to keep our phones locked but bhak kon sunega be unka. so my phone rang i thought some comany called or dad or someone for pung called me so i didnt had any high hope but i read her name!!!! i went crazyyyy but the next second i got so angry i mean out of 24 hours she called me during my class? i mean if thats not luck then idk what is! after texting her i was in class i JUST. COULDN’T. STOP. SMILING. OMG. i mean i just wanted to walk out of class i just.. wanted to hear her voice. it was something i was craving for!

class got ended i never reached ground floor so quickly as i did today all i was thinking was oh i gonna say this say that i called her phone rang and as so she picked up and she said “hello”.. world around me stopped for a while a smile came on my face and all my thoughts vanished and i said “hi”. i smiled during whole convo. i stammered in between because i got so nervous talking to her because dude its her!

i drove back and there was one constant smile on my smile i didnt care about cars around me bus apne dhun mein tha like a hanger in my face. her face was in front of my eyes and i was never been so happy!

i came back home so happy so much so that i wanted to announce it to the world that she called i was getting normal only but thenSHE CALLED ME AGAIN!! i was playing and i picked her call immediately because who cares about that game and trust me i dont think anyone would be more happier than me i mean one must have won a million dollar but her voice for me is priceless!

i told a best friend of mine that she called and all and ranted as usual and then she asked me are less anxious now? dude i havent stop smiling ever since i saw her call. today not even once i feel crying i mean i did but it was because she called and i couldnt contain it!

I dont know what to make out of this i mean im on cloud thats fosho but i am not getting my hopes high i mean i dont know what gonna happen next but i am not stop what i started! i want to hers and i want to be.. mine.

AND ALSO SHE AGREED TO MEET ME TOMORROW IDK WHAT AM I GONNA DO! ALSKDJFHQPWOEUTY

[edited at 7:51am – still smiling.. ]

i still dont know how this hit works i mean kya karna hai kya kaha se hota hai only god knowsbut i juts need a place where i can write what i feel as apparently i cant talk about it with anyone. why the hell am i even labeling it its freaking useless as if i am going to reach double digit blogs.. or am i?

the title is totally a guess. i mean i dont know if i did it or not. but she did text a “hahah” !!! a “hahah” not a “haha” and its so huge for me. (what a loser) i know man i even asked myself out loud that what the hell is going on what the hell am i doing bus yeh cheez sort hojaye bus! i am an atheist and i even considering praying for her to come back and forgive and thing to go back to normal but idk if that is of any help. a friend of mine told me to keep hope and that the only thing i can do right now but im getting so restless about everything like ughhh.

i love driving scooty i mean it gives me a immense please and no matter what the distance i am up for it as long as im driving it. i think a lot when i drive, i overthink all the time tbh, but yeah i think when i drive and now its nothing but her. i mean what is this craziness dude. i zone out thinking oh man this oh man that and surprisingly never met with an accident i mean i am a good driver thats why but the point is she is alll oovveerr myyyy mindddd!!

thank god i started doing this else i would have gone crazy with all these thoughts in mind! man please forgive me and allow me to prove myslef.. one last opportunity to show real to show show how it feels to be loved by me i was her to be mine. i remember her texing “just a reminder youre mine” and i use to get goosebumps just by sending it to her. i love her so so much man i mean it was true when i said that after thats it for me i dont wanna look anyhwere here anywhere there! its her. i think it was always her.

i really dont know how this site works or am i even doing this right god knows but i really need to vomit all my thoughts somewhere and i dont know where should I. so this blogging came to mind as i always wanted to blog but never knew from where to start. now also im doing this just for myself and i dont why am i even trying to explain this to myself.

when my 12th got over and i was looking out for engineering colleges and one day i went for counselling if symbiosis pune. there my brothers friend anirudh told me once that its doesnt matter what your marks were up till 12th once youre into college it will be new start a fresh start nothing from past will matter and just what you ahead will matter similarly i fell in love with a girl and our past was hell complicated but somehow i was forgiven and i dont know how! so as i mentioned the new beginning even we had a new beginning from april ’19. that 3 month period was beautiful and so pure. i was never so happy in my life. we both were living happily in our own little world didnt care about anyone and no one else mattered. i gave her a letter where i wrote all about those 3 months and i want to live those 3 months again, for the rest of my life.

i screwed up, i screwed up so bad. i mean i have done a lot of things to her 90% times unknowingly and 10% are the aftermath in which i cant see anything else and i panic and i just say it. ahh i am the one who followes think twice before you speak thingy but when i panic i panic so bad and especially in front of her. but i escaped that i dont know how and when i did something which was not as bad of a thing as things i have done before i got a punishment of a lifetime. i have never felt so lonely like im feeling right now.

everywhere i go i see her face. every scene on tv i imagine us every meme i see i wanna show her every detail of my day i wanna tell her she had spend so many nights in my house that i see her everywhere in my house hugging giggling talking kissing its like she was here a min ago and now she is gone forever.

god i love her so much and i am trying to change myself into every shape i she which she would find it comfortable. i am so emotionally invested in her that i cant see anything else i cant think of anything else i am close to my phone just because she might text me and i dont wanna miss even a single min of talking to her. her snap pops and i jump to see it just because if not her voice the her face would do it. anything realted to her is 100times more important to me. and i cant even say her to this or explain her to this because she doesnt trust me and not feel safe around me. i mean, wow i have never reached to this low in my life that someone has to come and say me that and coming from the girl im in love with.